Green Card Status Forces PhD Grad Into Pizza Boy

Picture this: you’re born in Asia, move to the US when you’re two, graduate from a US college, then have to take a $5.50/hr off-the-books job and live in fear of deportation because you’re not a US citizen.

If you’re having trouble picturing it, Jason Coe of Hyphen Magazine does a great job painting one. He documents a day in the life of Jake*, a Taiwanese college graduate whose green card status has forced him to back-burner his dreams of a PhD in psychology in favor of pizza delivery. It’s a woeful picture, done with swatches of humor. Like:

(I think he should sign up for match.com and search for a nice U.S. citizen looking to marry a pizza delivery boy. I volunteered my younger sister, but both were lukewarm to the prospect. You’re not interested are you? Jake scored 1500+ on his SATs, so your babies would be super smart.)

Jake’s situation isn’t uncommon. I know a few people who also don’t have (and/or can’t get) a US citizenship for various reasons, yet are trying to have a life here.

Here are some snippets of Jake’s life, as seen through Jason’s paintbrush:

Legal status aside, he is American through and through. Jake only speaks English, doesn’t know where the closest 99 Ranch is to his home, and his chopstick skills are best described as funky.

You can bring up all sorts of identity issues there. Is he really a North American? Or Taiwanese? Or both? Or neither? And how did he get by without learning how to use chopsticks; didn’t his parents at least teach him that??

Jake cajoles me with tales of nearly getting fired the other week after getting lost for an hour and begging driving off before meter maids can give him a citation for parking in a red zone. To be honest, Jake is a horrible driver. He finally learned how to drive two years ago, and his sense of direction is piss poor.

… Upon arriving at the address, Jake rushes out of the car but forgets to put the car into park. He turns around and stares in horror at the car rolling backwards down the hilly street with me in the passenger seat. I quickly shift the car into park and then proceed to laugh my ass off.

Must. Bite. Tongue. So. I. Don’t. Make. Obvious. Asian. Driver. Joke. Here…

He returns to the car, minutes later, with a two dollar tip. “Not bad,” he says. If everyone is this generous, he could make up to 8 dollars-an-hour tonight.

This pizza shop is in Los Angeles. California’s legal minimum wage is currently $7.50. Jake has to settle for $5.50 – $8.00/hr because of his status. There’s not much he can do about that. The alternative is deportation.

To get the rest, you’ll have to read the rest of Jason’s article. And hey, if you’re single, have a US citizenship, and want some super smart babies, I know this pizza delivery boy… He may not be able to drive, but he’s a hard worker!