There are thousands of internet sites dedicated to “help” Asian men find dates. From the sheer number of sites, you would think we were all shut-ins, losers and helpless awkward shy weirdos who couldn’t put a coherent sentence together that didn’t involve computer code.
Thankfully, I am married so I don’t have to worry about this but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to help the single Asian men amongst you. As a public service to all of you (my dear readers), I have trolled the various sites and pulled the most bestest advice for you:
According to “3 Powerful Dating Tips For Asian Men”
- Admit that it’s your fault. (Writer’s interpretation: It’s not racism that’s holding you down. It’s just the way you smell)
- Socialize (Writer’s interpretation: Stop stalking people via Facebook and follow them in real life)
- Work on your body language. (Writer’s interpretation: Stop slouching when watching porn at home, and sit up straight)
According to “Dating Tips For Asian Men”
- Stop being shy! (Writer’s interpretation: Invite your friend over when watching a neighbor change)
- Go outside the Asian gang (Writer’s interpretation: I don’t even know what to say about this one)
- Open up (Just say something) (Writer’s interpretation: Leave weird/creepy messages about seeing them in your dreams on their Facebook walls)
According to “Tips on How to Date White Women for Asian Men”
- Be yourself (Writer’s interpretation: Do martial arts)
- Maintain honest and open communication (Writer’s interpretation: Tell you love her on the first date and send her 100 text messages so she doesn’t forget you)
- Appeal to their intellectual prowess (Writer’s interpretation: Show them your college transcripts)
According to “P.U.M.A. Skills”
- Thinking is overrated. (Writer’s interpretation: Hump their leg and don’t let that voice in your head tell you it’s wrong)
- Talking is overrated. (Writer’s interpretation: Don’t say hi or introduce yourself, just hump their leg…What is it with me and humping legs?!?)
- Your peer group is the most important thing. (Writer’s interpretation: Buy hot friends on Craigslist)
- Learning has to be done in the field. (Writer’s interpretation: There are lots of farm animals in the field that won’t say no)
According to “Asian Men: 5 Tips to Date White Women”
- Go to places where white women WILL be! And meet them. (Writer’s interpretation: Try the library at UCLA! Just don’t talk on your cellphone)
- Make non-Asian friends. (Writer’s interpretation: The Humane Society has lots of wonderful dogs that can be adopted)
- Pull your white girl into the Asian world. (Writer’s interpretation: Take her to Panda Express and then Yoshinoya)
- Show her that you’re no different from any other guy. (Writer’s interpretation: Show her your gun collection)
- Take time to learn dating skills. (Writer’s interpretation: Watch a lot of porn)
There are more. Lots more advice if you need/want it. And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention a book that I kept finding during my “research.” It’s called, ASIAN MEN: Advance Your Dating Life by Steven Lin, a dating and seduction coach. According to his site, reading the book will “double or triple your rate of sleeping with a woman.” However, if you have to read this book, I’m afraid you’re probably a virgin. And if you’re as good at math as I am, you should know that zero times anything is still zero.
I hope this has helped you as much as it has helped me. If you have advice for Asian men, feel free to let me know.
