“Hentai” Added To Oxford English Dictionary

Congratulations, hentai! You’ve finally made it: you’ve officially been added to the Oxford English Dictionary to help parents understand what exactly their teenage kids are searching for on Google. You know, that quest so many mothers and fathers find themselves on after they look through their web browser search history and discover that maybe Bobby isn’t such a little boy anymore and is finally succumbing to those “mature” needs.

Hentai, I’m really proud of you. No longer can we use you as the butt of awkward jokes about how totally f*cked up Japan’s sex culture is, name-drop you whenever we talk about how much that creepy guy has such an Asian fetish or show off that otakus aren’t the only one who really know what’s going on in Japan; your appearance in the dictionary means that you’re officially a real word. You’ve now joined the English language family where you can meet your new sister, “pornography” and her kid brother, “tentacle.” You can gossip with OMG and LOL (no, seriously) all while celebrating the evolution (or degradation, however you want to look at it) of linguistics. Or whatever it’s called.

Listen, despite all the congratulations, I was kind of disappointed by the definition put together by the OED.

Pronunciation: /hɛnˈtʌɪ/
noun
[mass noun]
a subgenre of the Japanese genres of manga and anime, characterized by overtly sexualized characters and sexually explicit images and plots.
Origin:
1990s: Japanese, literally ‘abnormal, perverted’

For one thing, how can some organization really define you? How can you define anything, anyway? Don’t let these words hold you down, you know what I’m saying? Fight back against the system. Which is why I came up with some of my own definitions. You’re welcome:

Pronunciation: /hɛnˈtʌɪ/
noun
[mass noun]
a kind of disturbing subgenre of Japanese mana and anime, characterized by really big and unrealistic boobs, prepubescent girls, rape, girls who sprout penises like OMG WTF and other gross stuff that makes you wonder how people can get off on stuff like this.
Origin:
2000s: That awkward chubby white guy from Japanese class who invited you to join the local anime club.

No? Perhaps, maybe:

Pronunciation: /hɛnˈtʌɪ/
noun
[mass noun]
a genre of anime and manga that basically sums up how weird Japan can be when it comes to sex. Like, really. You think that crazy porn you joke about with friends doesn’t exist because it’s just too weird? Think again, because Japan has probably already animated it. Dude, we don’t come out from World War II without some serious psychological damage.
Origin:
1940’s: After the two atomic bombs were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki during World War II.

How about:

Pronunciation: /hɛnˈtʌɪ/
noun
[mass noun]
a genre of super explicit and sexually graphic anime and porn featuring adorable Japanese cartoon characters doing terrible, terrible things to each other. “Mommy, why is Totoro poking Mei with….OH NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
Origin:
1990’s: What our people do on Wednesdays.

Can’t wait until I use the word “hentai” in every day conversations.