Chinese-Taiwanese Familial Relations

It has not been easy for my Taiwanese family and my Chinese in-laws to understand each other. That is a gross understatement and for now we’ll leave it at that and table the wildly contentious, high-tension stories for another time. While I was aware of the cultural, political, and social differences that left a gap between the two families, I in part hoped it was particular to our personal predicament. Yet I’ve encountered many echoes of similar conflicts when Chinese and Taiwanese families merge that I thought it warranted its own focused consideration.

A dear friend of mine who is Chinese complained to me about her Taiwanese sister-in-law. She told me that the Taiwanese sister-in-law would yell at my friend’s parents (so the sister-in-law’s in-laws, if we’re following), not want them anywhere near her children (the in-laws’ grandchildren) because there were profound disagreements over best parenting tactics, and ultimately that sister-in-law kicked the in-laws out of her house. The sister-in-law wrote out a list of her complaints and allegations of everything the in-laws did wrong and presented it to the in-laws as justification for why they were being kicked out. They had little choice but to pack up and spend the night and the remainder of the trip with their daughter, my friend.

“It’s so messed up what this girl is doing, so messed up!” my friend exclaimed to me. I nodded, yeah, it was pretty messed up to toss your in-laws out on the streets after they flew all the way here from China to see you and their grandkids, though frankly I’m curious what was written on that list. My friend looked tentatively at me and I could tell she was selecting her next words carefully, deliberating whether to even raise the question. “Are all Taiwanese girls like that? I hear…I hear the…the culture is different.”

My reflex was to say, “No, that’s not true; we’re not all like that.” Except damn. That’s kind of exactly how I treat my Chinese mother-in-law. Oh, and it gets worse.

The Taiwanese sister-in-law would complain of the language barrier–the way they spoke Chinese was so different from the way she spoke it, she could barely comprehend. She didn’t like the kind of food the Chinese in-laws cooked. She said she thought some of their behavior was odd. She felt their lack of education and class “showed.” Inside I could pierce right through all the gripes and excuses and knew instantly what was going on in that Taiwanese sister-in-law’s head: she looked down on the Chinese. She wasn’t disrespectful toward her in-laws because she was a bitch; she was disrespectful because she saw them as second class citizens.

But I wonder– was there another side to this story?

It was clear the Taiwanese sister-in-law thought she and her own Taiwanese family were better than the Chinese. The sister-in-law would make snide remarks like “I come from a family of higher education than yours” or “I grew up pampered, privileged…I am not used to your cut-throat dog-eat-dog uncultured way of life. My culture is different.” In every argument, the last remark uttered would have something to do with being Chinese and being Taiwanese. “We’re just different.”

Yet my Chinese friend did the same. At the end of the day, she, too, pegged the conflict on the Chinese-Taiwanese differences. She remarked how she did not realize before just how different the two cultures were. They speak Mandarin differently. They eat different foods. They behave differently. Their styles of news broadcasting is different. Their ideologies are different. They’re different. She feels the Taiwanese can be (“no offense”) snotty, superficial, elitist, and while they are at their core Han just like the mainland Chinese, the Taiwanese intentionally distance themselves from their Chinese roots.

I feel for that Taiwanese sister-in-law who I don’t even know and who I should be condemning because I oughta side with my dear friend. Except I’ve been there. All that mainland Chinese tongue rolling “arrrrr” for certain enunciations in Mandarin grate on my nerves after hearing it for 24 hours straight. It just does. The way the Taiwanese speak Mandarin is softer, dare I say prettier. It doesn’t grate on the nerves in quite the same way. There is a harsher, more militant comportment with the Chinese. I find that they can be ruder. They would say they’re more direct, honest. The Taiwanese tend to be more two-faced and duplicit. We’ll fake the smiles and civility until you’re out of earshot (unless you’re Chinese; we seem to have no reservations about showing our true colors to the Chinese). And let’s not ignore how both sides have been brainwashed by their media to hate/look down on/despise/show disdain for the other. It ain’t easy to rise above all that media influence.

My husband’s uncle married a Taiwanese woman. The whole Chinese family hates her and speaks utter ill of her. She would not let the in-laws, my husband’s grandparents, see her children. They all live in Taiwan and it was only when the grandmother was on her deathbed that the Taiwanese woman relented to a meeting. She bundled up her kids in masks and rubber gloves to greet the grandmother, explaining that she “didn’t want the children to get infected.” (Infected with what?) When the grandmother, on her deathbed mind you, wanted to give these grandchildren a hug and a kiss, the Taiwanese woman barred it and said no. Then they all left, didn’t come back, and spent the rest of their stay in China shopping. The grandmother died broken-hearted.

This, of course, is what I heard from my husband and his Chinese side of the family. I would love to hear what the Taiwanese woman has to say, though I think I already know. The woman sees her Chinese in-laws as second class citizens. That reminds me of the time I was in China and overheard several Taiwanese tourists (or businessmen? not sure) speaking in the Taiwanese dialect. They were talking shit about the Chinese people around them! It got so foul even I felt a bit uncomfortable.

It’s beautiful when couples from different backgrounds can find something in common and fall in love. That should be encouraged. And I’m so glad it happens with frequency. Many of my Taiwanese friends have married Chinese spouses and while their marriages are strong, the Chinese-Taiwanese familial relations are typically tense.

See, it’s after marriage that cultural, political, and social differences begin to truly challenge the couple and the new merged family. Both sides feel justified in their biases and bigotry. A lot of Chinese mainlanders really don’t hold back when it comes to criticizing and remarking negatively about the Taiwanese. My mother-in-law does it all the time in my presence. “Taiwanese are like this… Taiwanese are like that… Why can’t they be more like this… like that…”

When she does this, I bite my tongue and hold it all in, hold it all in until I simply can’t anymore, and then I explode and do/say something irrational. Then she’s all like, “Wow, you’re so messed up.” Likewise, the friend I was talking about earlier also alludes to antagonistic sentiments she and perhaps her family members hold of the Taiwanese. I can only imagine the comments they might unknowingly make in front of the Taiwanese sister-in-law, which she holds in, holds in until she can’t. Then she explodes, has an irrational panic attack, and does something messed up like kick her in-laws out of her house.

The Chinese can be abrasive and far too insistent and imposing of their values on others. Out of nowhere with no provocation from me whatsoever, they’ll say to my face, “Taiwan should be a part of China” and “You’re not Taiwanese, you’re not American, you’re Chinese. You’re Chinese!” You can’t bring up Tibet or the Tiananmen Square incident or pretty much anything without them aggressively correcting your viewpoint: The Chinese brought civilization to Tibet, food, our soldiers built schools and houses for them. The Tibetans are thankless. The Buddhist monks are tyrants, it’s a big sham, we’re just there to protect the Tibetan people. The Tiananmen Square incident never happened. It’s a big conspiracy and lie set up by the Western media to make the Chinese government look bad. Of course the Chinese government cannot allow free speech. Free speech leads to anarchy. [Sadly, not joking or exaggerating about any of this.] Listen to that incessantly for an entire week and tell me what irrational conduct you’d end up capable of.

Likewise, the Taiwanese can be exactly everything the Chinese criticize them for. The Taiwanese have a tendency to adopt the mentality of their colonizer and gravitate toward all things white and Western (we were imperialized by the Portuguese at one point) and now toward all things Japanese (they were here too) and Taiwanese girls who are born Mei-Ling will intentionally change their names to Keiko. In ways that weren’t always obvious to me, Japanese culture is a big part of my upbringing and the lifestyle of my parents and even grandparents. I just alway thought “that’s Taiwanese.” Regardless Taiwanese or Japanese, it’s definitely different from Chinese. And, perhaps adopting the mentality of the colonizer, the Taiwanese tend to then look down on the Chinese and view the Chinese as less civilized.

It’s horribly wrong, but it’s also a lot to ask of anybody to let go of everything they’ve known, after accusing everything they’ve known to be biased and bigoted, something both sides of the strait are guilty of. Ultimately I don’t know what the solution is. I didn’t write this post with any propositions in mind.

Oh, one peculiar exception to all this: the Shanghainese and the Taiwanese seem to get along swell. Not sure how or why this became an exception to the norm. Nevermind, I know why. Because the rest of China have negative things to say about the Shanghainese. They’re too sharp, too sly, too good at business; materialistic, vain, extravagant. They’re sharks. They’re too bourgeois (a charge that the Chinese have brought against the Taiwanese before). No, I don’t really know why. It’s just worth noting that there seems to be less tension between the Shanghainese and Taiwanese. Wait…. What?…. Not true?… They hate each other too?…. Sigh. Oh well.

Note also I’ve conveniently left out the whole “American” element. I’m way more American than I am Taiwanese when it comes to ordinary life. I only become “very Taiwanese” when my Chinese in-laws are involved. Because that’s the part of my identity that comes up constantly.

Will Chinese-Taiwanese familial relations ever be just normal dysfunctional instead of cultural-political-social dysfunctional? Perhaps for future generations yes, but in mine, not likely.