Why Jeremy Lin Isn’t Really Asian

The first time I heard about Jeremy Lin was when he was playing for Harvard a few years ago. There was a lot of buzz about him (especially on Asian American blogs) because people assumed he was Asian.

I didn’t say anything back then but I had my doubts that he really WAS Asian. Now that he’s an international phenomenon, the starting point guard for the New York Knicks, and the spokesperson for Volkswagen I can no longer keep my mouth shut.

Jeremy Lin is NOT Asian. I feel better now that that’s off my chest.

You’re probably saying to yourself: “But he looks Asian and his last name is Asian.” My response is to beg you to look past his looks and his last name. Being Asian isn’t about how you look or where your ancestors came from. It’s deeper. Way deeper. Way way way deeper.

Put simply, Asians can’t play basketball. And it’s not just me saying this. According to the definitive source of all things in the world,  Yahoo! Answers:

Why are black people better at basketball and asians do math better? And other stereotypes?

I’m not racist, but the opposite is true too and black people are worse at math and asians do not play basketball well. There are always exceptions, in fact, many many exceptions. But really, how can we just pretend everybody is equal when its obvious that certain races have advantages in certain areas? Like white people can’t dance, but they can do other things better… i think lol… and asians can’t drive and black people have rhythm…. jews save their money….

Before you get angry, the writer of the question did say he/she wasn’t racist so it has to be true. Asians are good at math and African Americans are good at basketball.

So the only way to tell if Jeremy Lin, who has been averaging 14.6 points and 6.1 assists a game this season, is REALLY Asian is if someone had the guts to ask him a complicated math question.

For example, if I were a reporter in a post-game interview I would ask Jeremy to figure this out: [(3x^2-27)divided by 4)] times[ 8x^2) divided by(9-3x)]divided by [(x^2+3x) divided by 6]. If he could come up with the answer off the top of his head, then he’s Asian. If he can’t, he’s not Asian. It’s really THAT simple.

The answer, by the way, is -12x. As an Asian, I knew that without even having to cross cancel or invert the third fraction.

Until he answers a complicated math question or shows that he’s a bad driver with innate martial arts skills (and/or a geisha who knows the ancient and exotic secrets of pleasing a lover) I’m going to remain skeptical that Jeremy Lin is actually Asian.

QED – which, as an Asian person, is how I end every thought.

By the way…